alone

What do you do

hmhm what to do now what to do! He still contacts me occasionally but I dont let it phase me I want to be over this before my birthday which is Sept. 30th! but I know I cant just speed up the process I guess it'll be done when God thinks I'm ready,hmhm whats the rush anyway its not like hes coming back! Plus now that he's in school (college) hes got tons of other girls to talk to!! Who'd care about me I'm only one person! Ive only been the best gf ever and forgiven you and stood by your side but still nothing! but hey who's complaining hehe :) yeah I laugh and smile alot I think its a gift. I laugh when I'm sad,mad,angry,happy only certain people can tell my real emotions. sometimes I smile and its not even on purpose I just think its to keep from crying! "We laugh to keep from crying though right"!?

Every time I wear this hat someone says you remind me of a sunflower or you should be in a field or you look southern. I'm like IDGAF. dang! I wear what the F___ i want! smh. Also this is another one of those halter tops. hmhm. I'm sort of upset that the ruffles were in the back instead of the front? but I guess it works. Oh yeah and the one w.the gloves on is from drawing class today! i brought them for this class specifically for when we use charcoal and crap. I wanted to wear them because I didn't feel like washing my hands 10,000 times today after class from charcoal stains all over my nails haa. I gave the class a few laughs ha,. A gardener? yeah ha whatever! I like my flower gloves you bastards! Oh yeah and no offense to anyone I'm technically a bastard myself I just say that to anyone no offense Its kinda my favorite word whether you are one or not. Don't take it personal :)

top: JC Penny

Pants: Thrifted Calvin Klein

belt: Jc Penny

hat: thrifted

shoes: Payless

gloves: family dollar

Back Then

Im sharing this with you guys. Probally wont read it or care but I am. For some reason I havent spoken to himin days yet I still dream about him! omfg I want to get over him but Idk how. He was horrible to me yet im still holding on. he took a piece of me I guess. He couldnt give a damn about me yet I still want him! Idk why I tld my friends I think i'm crazy. well last night I had a dream about him its sort of a nightmare to me, since he talks about other girls right in front of me then he says that I stressed him out and got on his nerves I woke up crying since those were things he told me all the time for mostly no reason at all. Making it seem like everythings my fault. I woke up crying also because theres other girls involed I can't get over the fact that he talks to other girls and since in the dream he doesnt talk to me. In real life I'll be forgotten and he wont talk to me. I know I havent tlkd to him nor has he but I still cant shake this. He's my first real love I believed everything he said I went along with anything he said and I was there I guess I was nothing to him or either all guys are heartless. mind you this has been since january and now that Its time for school it'll really be forget you Erika. So instead of running and crying and texting him and tellin him how much I love him and miss him and that I had a bad dream I just wrote it down in my diary. " It sucks when your dream is no longer just a dream its a reality."
 "Your always there day and night if I'm not actually thinking of you I still end up doing it. Its so frustrating. I feel so crazy. You said in the dream you were tired and always stressed out. I heard you, I know you meant it, becasue you told me that in reality tons of times. Now I have to accept that there will be others, way better than me. Even though you say its not my fault I feel like it is. No I dont want your pity or attention i know you dont want me or even care. I just want to get out of this nightmare. Its a whole and im trapped."

Now before hes told me that he broke up w.me becasue he didnt want to use me anymore and he wanted relations with other people no relationship and were friends. Everytime before I asked him why he broke up w.me it was something new, "my family,me, stressed out, he doesnt want a relationship, or either he just wouldnt answer. Ugh!!!" I tried being his friend and hanging out with him but I cried right after. We hung out for 20 min ths it I cried right after and I havent spoken to him since which was about 3 days ago. hmhm. so yeah I havent spoken w.him since then and I havent spilled my guts to him again..go me i guess. even though it seems like it gets worse everyday I dnt communicate w.him. Just pray :/

dress: thrifted

shoes: payless

bangle: I always wear given to me by my grandmother

necklace: my trademark I always wear.

if I should share this with you all but im comfortable i guess. i wont go into too much detail unless you want me too. il jst say that basics i went with this guy for a year. i loved him he left me for someone else and ive bee trying to get with him since jan. now im trying to get over himg. he knws i want him and like but t he doesnt seem to care. i try not to call him sometimes but i still end up doing it. you might nt understad the story if you want to talk to me jst let me knw i need all the help advice i can get. i knw leave him alone get over him but its not that easy ive been trying even if i dont talk to him somehow im back to being depressed or wondering what hes doin or should i call him or do this or do that, id really appreciate it if some of my followers couold reach out to me. but if not i understand. im just battaling with this and it gets harder everyday. Well my outfit was simple i wasn't planning on showing you all but here you go..

the other girl is my friend tia.

top: jcpenny

shorts: i dont remember i bleached them that way though

boots: i forgot

pusre: dooney and bourke
if anyone wants to talk or help email me @ deska930@msn.com :)